I’ve always struggled to consistently devote even a morsel of time to my ‘Lord and Savior’. Sure there were periods when my prayer-life was strong-—you know, the hours following a revival conference. Otherwise, I either struggled to stay committed, or I didn’t even try.
I’ve silently wondered why I have so many excuses. It’s always something. “I’m in a rush,” or, “I’m too busy,” or, “I’m too tired.”
I began to see that my relationship with Jesus was purely selfish. My interest isn’t in surrendering my day to Him, it’s enhancing my day through Him. He is something I go through with the aim of achieving a good day, or a good result. Jesus has been demoted from savior to personal assistant. He has become the mediator between goal and man, not God and man.
My prayer is usually in regards to reaching a point where I no longer struggle, in the material sense. Whether it be finances, finances, or even finances—I want Jesus to help me get to a place where I would be so comfortable that I wouldn’t need to pray. Essentially.
If my days have been relatively good--my goals within reach--do I need to go through Jesus? No. Prayer-time had become an enhancement, not a surrender. It was contingent on me needing something as opposed to me surrendering something.
Surrender, is what I fear.
I think of all the things I’m not willing to give up. I avoid prayer to avoid surrender. And if I must pray--given that I’m in a bind of some sort--it’s accompanied with a promise of surrender. It’s as if I feel that I must incentivize my supplication; my prayer is a bribe.
Obviously King Jesus can’t be bribed. So my aim in making these promises is to bribe myself. The purpose of prayer is to submit, to surrender. But since I’m not willing to do that freely, I must persuade myself to be bribed under my own conditions--granted that Jesus performs. If not, He has breached the contract and I will recoup any losses I had surrendered in advance!
Herein this lies the problem. The first thing that must be surrendered is my pride. I can’t obey my Lord unless I submit to His lordship in my life. The very things I fear that I may have to surrender are only secondary. It’s as if I’m promising God I will run, without learning how to walk.
He knows I can’t fulfill my promise. I know I’m not truly willing. Yet the question remains: to pray or not to pray?
I’ve got a blog to write, what’s your excuse?
"Your effectiveness and personal victory in Christ are linked to the time you spend with the Lord in prayer." -Charles Stanley